Ask Anything: Not Interested in SM

A reader asks:

“Hello, I have the desire to be ‘Dominant’ towards another person (preferably a girlfriend or boyfriend [I’m Bisexual]) in that I take control of their day-to-day life and the relationship as a whole (with their consent, of course) but I am not interested in a sadistic/masochistic sex life. Would I therefore be able to consider myself a ‘Dominant’ and someone that is part of the BDSM community? If so, are there any UK based BDSM Communities where I might find someone with a similar interest?

Thank you, and Kind Regards,


Hi Sophie and welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM, where there are just as many ways of doing things as there are kinksters! The beauty of that is that you can personalize this experience of yours to suit your needs and desires. The key to long term success is in #1 knowing yourself so you can clearly articulate what you are seeking to potential partners. #2 is in finding a partner(s) that has similar interests that line up with yours.

For the first half, as a Dominant, I suggest you check out this article here and work through the questions provided. It should help with self awareness and create a template for conversation when vetting potential paartners.

Also check out this article about the three major categories of BDSM. They are Power Exchange, SM (sado-masochistic play), and kinky sex. It sounds like you are interested in the Power Exchange side of things. My girl and I seat Power Exchange as the pinnacle of which our dynamic is designed. If we had to pick one and only one of these three categories, Dominance and submission would be the one we need in our life.

You can see real world couples in the BDSM community who only are into PE. And oftentimes the lines get blurred. For instance I am a sadist and my girl is not a masochist (or a very light one). But. She will bottom to SM play for me from a place of submission. Ask yourself if you found a partner you enjoyed who is interested in the Power Exchange aspect, and things were otherwise compatible, would you be willing to Top them in an SM scene if they were also a masochist? Maybe as a treat or reward for good behavior? Or if not, would you be open to them bottoming for another? These are the kind of questions you should be asking of yourself.

Once you’ve completed step #1 and you have a good grasp of what you are (or are not) willing to do or allow, you can begin #2. Looking for a compatible partner starts online, then typically moves to meeting in person. There is gobs of information about meeting a submissive out there in the world. Check out Fetlife if you haven’t already, which functions as a kinky sort of social networking. You can find large groups, such as one for Newcomers, that’ll be great for reading about vetting, exploring munches, and the like. Also sort by location and you can findyour local happenings.

I wish you the best in finding out more about yourself and in your search for partnership.

Good luck.


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