Ask Anything – Sharing Submissives Etiquette

A reader asked:

How a dom ask another dom to use his sub (?)


I am going to do a bit of expansion and putting pieces together here with such a… brief… lead in. I believe the questions that is being asked here is, “If I am a Dominant who is interested in having a scene or encounter with another Dominant’s submissive, how exactly do I approach this with etiquette and respect?” Well I think this is a mighty fine question needing addressing.


If you are in the community or, hell, even online, and interested in a submissive who is indeed spoken for already, that does not mean that they are completely off the table for playing with others. Here are the steps I’d use to determine if it is a good venture to pursue and some tips for getting what you are seeking.

1. If you have the opportunity to do so first, read up on the couple a bit. If they have profiles on Fetlife, start there. Many people list their interest in playing with others (or not) as a part of their “About Me” section. Check out any writings or groups that may indicate a preference for “others.” Does the submissive suggest to reach out to her Dominant first? Look for clues that may be found.

2. If this is an in-person couple, take some time to observe their interaction. Do they seem to run fairly high protocol? Can the submissive freely speak to others? Are they already playing with others? Have you only seen them together?

3. Speak with a mutual friend or community member and casually mention your desire. Vetting is something that (hopefully) takes place all the time in our world and this is no different. A simple, “I am interested in having a scene with XYZ, any advice or feedback?” should get you headed in the right direction.

4. Once you’ve done the due diligence, I would approach the Dominant and ask to speak with him or her. “Excuse me, I wanted to speak with you about a private matter, do you have a few minutes right now or would another time be better?”

Remember: Do not have this conversation right before, during, or immediately after a scene! If you are hoping to play at an upcoming party or event this can be done over email or message in advance.

5. Now that you have the Dominant’s attention, it is best to be direct, honest, and know in advance what exactly you are asking for. Don’t forget that if you don’t really know the couple and their dynamic style, you don’t really know the couple and their dynamic style. The submissive may be the one to make this decision. The Dominant may see the submissive as property and be the decision maker. “I am interested in having a rope scene with XYZ. Is that something that I should be speaking with you about or with XYZ directly?”

6. Once you are speaking with the person who decides, lay out your intentions. Is this a pain scene? Public or private? Sexual or not? If they are interested they will say so. If not, one “no thank you” should be all you need to hear and move on.

7. Be prepared to have the other Dominant be involved in some capacity. They may want to supervise, participate, or negotiate. Just remember, in this situation you have two people to be communicating with. But as long as you do some research and approach with honesty and respect you should be headed in the right direction.


Good Luck.


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