Ask Anything – Can Dominance be taught or learned?

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I am a slave/submissive female. I have been for as long as i can remember. And basically all of my relationships i was lucky enough to have a master/dom as my boyfriend. However, i am now in a relationship where my SO has never done anything BDSM or kink at all. He is a sweet and kind gentleman who is rather passive and just mainly enjoys more giving than receiving. We have talked about things we like intimately, and I was rather explicit about my fetish. He did acknowledge it and has been slowly working on it. However, I have been just a bit discouraged because i have seen many, many people say that a Dom cannot be ‘made’, they just ‘are’. I want to believe that this isn’t true, but I’m not really an expert on how Dom’s came to be what they are. I suppose my question would be, is it possible for someone to be taught to be a Dom?


I want to start this off with a journal entry that my slave wrote earlier this month:

I was chatting last night with a new friend who made mention (as she was just meeting my husband and I for the first time) that it was surprising to learn that he is the Dominant one and I am the submissive one. I get this all the time! It doesn’t bother me one little bit because, well, I get it.

In some ways I think we all make this mistake. We associate certain personality traits to being Dominant, or submissive, or a Master, slave, Leather, baby girl, whatever.

But I do think this is where many insecurities in individuals in Power Exchange dynamics comes from as well. “I’m not submissive enough because I am not meek and quiet enough.” Or wondering if in order to be a “proper” Dominant you need to be some sort of chest pounding, loudly ordering asshole.

Nope. Nopity-nope.

I’d like to encourage everybody to drop the notion that any personality trait at all indicates that a person should be wearing a specific label.

Dominants can be caring and kind. Quiet and thoughtful. Meticulous. Nerdy. Helpful. They can not pound their chest, like, at all.

Or maybe they do.

Submissives can be powerful. Let me say again: submissives can be powerful.

They can be smart and loud and have great opinions. They can speak to others without getting written permission to do so. They do not have to be into service, they do not have to enjoy pain, they do not have to fade into the background.

Or they can be the opposite of all that.

Because personality traits don’t indicate… anything at all.

The only thing you should interpret from somebody being dominant is that they enjoy dominating others. The only assumption of a submissive should be that they enjoy the notion of submitting, in some ways, to a partner.

“Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior, but nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable. You are you, I am I.”


I wanted to start here to help clear up any confusion that personality traits, like the ones listed in the original message (sweet, kind, gentleman, giving), are in no ways indicative of whether somebody is “inherently” Dominant or not. I helped pen The Gentleman Dominant’s Guide and as you can see, I am quite the gentleman Master as well. It takes me a hell of a lot to get upset (but don’t stick around if I do), I am typically the most quiet one in a room (I like to listen, to analyze, to observe), and I treat my slave like a delicate possession to be handled with velvet gloves.

All of that said, I do feel like I am naturally geared towards Dominance. It comes very easy to me. It feels “right” to be the one in control in the relationship. I am a solid Leader; a confident decision maker. It feels comfortable. Can Dominance be taught? Sure. But what cannot be taught is that. To actually desire it, to be comfortable in it, to find it sexy.

I know there are a lot of people who desire to submit in their current relationship and hope to “grow” the Dominance in their partner. Start with the question, “Is my partner interested and turned on by the idea of Dominating?” and go from there.

Here is a great link to start the conversation:


If that desire or interest in there, the basics of structure, play, D/s, S&M can all be taught. Encourage open and honest feedback from your partner and go from there.


Good Luck.


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4 responses to “Ask Anything – Can Dominance be taught or learned?”

  1. Consul1953

    My Partner and I were well matched physically M 192 lbs 175cm F 186 lbs 170cm and mentally and had been together several years when we got into a heated argument over gender equality, she wanted to settle it with a fight, a boxing match. We decided on no rounds and it was over when one didn’t get back up. We faced off and she strutted around in front of me flexing her large biceps and bouncing her boobs, once she saw me getting aroused she stepped up to fight, My adrenalin was through the roof and I was hard and I knew a few good punches into her soft body would pull her up. She hit me hard on the jaw and it rocked me a little, my glove sunk into her soft guts and she grunted and grimaced but only buckled slightly and her tits bounced several times, it was exciting, she drove my stomach hard up into my solar plexus and I was in terrible pain, this was a real fight, we punched on for 20 minutes and both went down several times, the fight finished when she king hit me and I was on the floor semi-conscious and my legs wouldn’t work properly. It was the most exciting time of my life although humiliating and there is always another fight and another day. I want to experience this again

  2. Mistress Lisa

    I believe a Dominant can certainly be groomed or trained into their role (which is an extension of their personality). While we all have apptitudes for certain activities, we all still need skills training and education about all the components involved in undertaking this role; especially before taking control of another person (submissive). A Dom/Top should never play without the proper awareness of safety & all the components of scening & play. Additionally, a Dominant should NEVER begin a D/s relationship without such training because to do otherwise is irresponsible & dangerous for the submissive.

    Classical Training of a Dominant provides the necessary skill set to play responsibly. This type of training involves BDSM safety, power exchange relationship development & submissive education preparing the Dominant in a comprehensive way so that they are well rounded & fully capable to step into this leadership role. Classical training is typically done by a Mistress who has extensive knowledge & experience within the BDSM/kink community. This cross gender training is designed to penetrate the ego & arrogance frequently associated with an inexperienced Dominant.

    So to answer this posts question, absolutely a Dominant can be taught & they must be taught along with continuing education & supposed from other Dominants within the community. Nobody should participate in BDSM on their own; there’s no reason for it & doing so is dangerously irresponsible. We all need to learn from each other in order to continue to grow in this alternative lifestyle, where anything is possible & risk is abound.

  3. EroDom

    I used to feel the same way – I was gentle and could not bring my self even to spank. I was all about giving pleasure.

    Then I met a woman who wanted and needed to be spanked, choked, restrained and more. Once I understood that these actions were not for me – it was not about what I was doing, it was about the pleasure she received, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. When I gave her what she needed and saw the pleasure it gave her… well being a dominant fit right in with being a giver. I don’t spank her because I like to hit her, I spank her because it gives her pleasure. After some time I began to enjoy giving certain kinds of pain too.

  4. Sir Kelly

    Mistress Lisa,
    I agree with you completely the so called classical training is how I was trained. I spent over a year in training. I continue to learn every day, I have owned my sub girl for 15 years, and will be her Master for all eternity, we communicate every day on higher level then I believe any vanilla couple could. I give her the control she desires and made her proud to be owned by me, something she had never experienced before, in return she gives me loyalty, complete and total submission of her mind, body and heart. I was trained to be hard when I need to and to provide compassion when it is needed. I could not imagine entering into a BDSM relationship without the knowledge provided to me by Mistress Birdie all those years ago.

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