Ask Anything – Help! We’re new to all of this.

Our reader wrote to us:

I am starting a new relationship and he is a submissive  person, and he wants me to be dominate in almost all aspects of his life. I have been reading up a lot on the future of being dominant and I am very interested and curious about it. he’s also quite new to this as well and I was wondering how we should try to approach the situation as two people new to the Dom/submissive relationship. I did get a little confused about establishing rules and guidelines.


Hello Reader and welcome to this crazy (and sometimes overwhelming) new world of BDSM!

One of the first things new Dominants encounter is an overabundance of “do this” or “don’t do this.” Well, let me assure you… there are a million ways of doing this and no one true right but maybe a few wrong ways to do this. Wrong ways being not having consent from both of you before trying new things, not actively communicating before, during, and after whatever it is that you might try, and not having fun with it!! What is good and sexy and working for my household may have nothing to do with what turns you on. If you are coming into this as a couple, here is a list of great places to begin:

  • Learn together about what all is encompassed under the BDSM umbrella and talk at length about what parts each of you are into, not into, and hoping to try:
  • Consider joining the online community at It is social networking for kinky people and there is a ton of information to find. There is a huge novice and newbies group with a treasure trove of FAQ’s in their sticky section.
  • As a new Dominant, start defining your Dominant voice.  This is where you will begin crafting the rules and guidelines that you speak of.
  • Encourage your submissive to check out for many of his questions and needs.
  • Check out the event section of Fetlife and join in with your local community. It is a great way to get your feet wet and do some one on one learning from others living this lifestyle.
  • Ready to play? Learn about safe words, discuss your partners (and your) limits, and go have some fun! Don’t forget about aftercare and having a future conversation about what worked, what didn’t and adjust for next time.


Good Luck.


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3 responses to “Ask Anything – Help! We’re new to all of this.”

  1. Shosh

    I am new in this and my partner show me that he likes it untill know he only asked me to set under my feet and kiss them and i notice he liked it when i shout at him or tell him that am gonna punish him would please help me in how i can be a dominate mistress ireally need to know what can i do to please him since i like him and i notice i enjoy being a dominant

  2. mariah revelli

    I am just a submissive but my Dom wants me to use a stap on, on him but I am conflicted I want to please him but I am not comfortable with it any advice?

  3. eric mcguire

    I have some concerns, i have just started a relationship with a woman, who i think is totally amazing, ive never felt this way to any other woman, even with my (ex) wife whom i was married for 15 years. We have been talking about d/s off and on and it really was surreal to me until we had sex. She had made the comment that she was a natural submissive which meant nothing to me at the time, then i started noticing things about her and her actions. Then things got real interesting, i fount that she liked pain, and liked being choked, and i was super cautious to it because i am a man and choking a woman for all my like was wrong until now, fyi i dont wanna just go up and choke her now. This has got me superiorly (if thats a word) intrigued. I wanna know more we have talked and she has told me since its all new to me and not to her, that i needed to read up and research and get trained (idk if that means by someone or by training myself by reading up on the lifestyle/role) and i am asking for help in this area. I like stranger things sexually and she does also i just want to know tgis side of her has come up i want to be able to knowingly be able to fullfill her desires and explore my own within the boundaries of each other.?!…..any and all help and resorces are greatly appreciated

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