One response to “Ask Anything: My New Boyfriend is Anti-Kink-Community, Aftercare Within a Scene, I Want to Switch But He’s Submissive”

  1. spiritchild

    Heyo accidental dominant,

    I’m new to this site, in fact I joined it when I read your letter, just because I feel my white knight complex raging within me. My personal impression of your letter, is screaming at me to tell you to gtfo, and here’s why.

    First, you state, it started off being largely equal, but in a short time you find he’s not into it being equal, and he wants to be the one on the bottom, or more bottom then top. But, in such a way as it seems he is unwilling to give up any control. Most relationships with control freaks start off this way, equal to being all about you, til they reach a point where it seems to devolve into being all about them.

    You go on to say you have an interest of perhaps being part of the BDSM community, of which you feel he wants nothing to do with. If that is the case after you ask him, and yes, you should mention your desire to be part of a community, also reeks of control freak, as it hints at an attempt to isolate you from peers. Peers that not only can help you learn more about what is available, but ultimately help to increase the level of safety of play. Any thing any one can do to increase the safety of their BDSM pursuits is wise, and therefore any one against it ought to be considered potentially suspect.

    Lastly, he uses the words murderer and immoral to describe what he feels about your interests. This almost seems like outright hyperbole to me, and not only hints at control freak, but an outright emotional or mental blackmailer. Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!! I will stop short of declaring outright to get the F out, but will suggest you ask yourself these following questions, not from ther perspective of BDSM, but on a human perspective based on your emotional and mental needs…

    Am I happy?
    Do I feel safe?
    Do I feel my emotional and mental needs are being met?
    Did I post here because I want someone else to tell me what to do?
    What does my gut say?

    I’ll shut up now,


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