Ask A Dominant – Expressing Different Dynamic Desires

Ask ANything bubble for DG

Message to DominantGuide.com:

Hello. So my Boyfriend and I are into some light-medium BDSM in the bedroom (breatheable ball gags, fur lined cuffs, paddles, semi harsh flogger, wide head riding crop, those types of activities) And I met him on a BDSM website where I told him, implicitly, I don’t want the 24/7 Dom/sub Master/slave relationship. At all. In any way shape or form. Like I made that explicitly clear I wanted a vanilla relationship the rest of the time and then BDSM in the bedroom. And he seemed fine with that. I don’t even own a play collar bc I know a collar is something sacred and not something to be used lightly in the BDSM community. I 111110000% respect anyone into that lifestyle that wants it full time though it’s just not for me.

Anyway so he’s  always been kinda pushy and I usually just get jokingly pushy back and things would be fine, we’ve been dating 3 months and lately it’s like he’s started to get more intense and more dominant outside the bedroom. Like he’s gotten more controlling and like expecting me to be more submissive to him outside the bedroom and he gets mad and upset when  I tell him “you need to calm down with that.” One day we were watching TV  and he was laying down on the couch and I asked him to move his feet and he just pointed to the ground at my feet “Nuh uh, you sit there.” And I told him “babe I’m not sitting on the ground just move.” And he’s like “Come on, be a good little slut” (which is his pet name for me in the bedroom but a big no no outside) “and sit st my feet.” “I’m not sitting on the floor and don’t call me that.” “Fine then I’m going home.” And I didn’t want I’m to leave so I sat, on the ground, at his feet. Like it didn’t make me feel loved or valued or safe or sexy or anything that our bedroom BDSM routine normally does. It made me feel like crap and i had to *ASK* him “can I please sit on the couch. Sir” which is what I normally only refer to him during sex and again it didn’t make me feel loved or respected it just made me feel honestly really bad like I wanted to cry.

So my overall question is, how do I get through to him that this 24/7 Master/slave thing isn’t something I’m into that when he orders me to do things it doesn’t make me feel anything but bad. Also is it wrong of me to expect BDSM in the bedroom but an entirely vanilla relationship outside? I mean I shouldn’t be complaining like one doesn’t get into this type of lifestyle without expecting it to graduate to harder things but I really really didn’t want it to graduate.

 

Phew. Wow. This is pretty serious stuff. I see a lot of red flags floating around in this message, many of which can all be summed up simply by saying he doesn’t seem to be respecting you as a person, as a submissive, and as an equal partner in this Power Exchange dynamic. My concerns are two-fold. First in his feeling like what you are saying is flexible or not at all set in stone. Second is in your actions that help fuel that fire.

Being Dominant in the relationship is hard. There are many standards and expectations set out to be a good, proper Dominant and if things ever go sideways it is often pointed at us for failing. Many expect us to be mind-readers, to feel out a situation and adapt based on cues versus actual information. This may be a case of that; where he thinks you actually want to submit outside the bedroom but are too afraid to ask for it. This is giving the Dominant the benefit of the doubt though. Simply put, whether he thinks you want it or not, he is “pushing your limits” or trying to “break you,” both of which I never recommend in new relationships. That kind of desire or trust is built over time on a foundation of honest and open communication.

I hate to break things down and needle them to death, but I do want to address this specifically:

Like I made that explicitly clear I wanted a vanilla relationship the rest of the time and then BDSM in the bedroom.

Followed by:

One day we were watching TV  and he was laying down on the couch and I asked him to move his feet and he just pointed to the ground at my feet “Nuh uh, you sit there.” And I told him “babe I’m not sitting on the ground just move.” And he’s like “Come on, be a good little slut” (which is his pet name for me in the bedroom but a big no no outside) “and sit st my feet.” “I’m not sitting on the floor and don’t call me that.” “Fine then I’m going home.” And I didn’t want I’m to leave so I sat, on the ground, at his feet. Like it didn’t make me feel loved or valued or safe or sexy or anything that our bedroom BDSM routine normally does. It made me feel like crap and i had to *ASK* him “can I please sit on the couch. Sir” which is what I normally only refer to him during sex and again it didn’t make me feel loved or respected it just made me feel honestly really bad like I wanted to cry.

You need to take some personal responsibility here. If you cannot say no, you should not be saying yes.

Let me repeat: If you cannot say no, you should not be saying yes.

If you don’t feel comfortable to say to your partner, “No, I have not agreed and negotiated what you are asking me to do, if you refer to me as that outside of the bedroom again I will end the relationship. Please respect me and my limits.” then you probably shouldn’t be playing in this way at all. Being submissive doesn’t mean being meek or accepting whatever somebody insists you do.

Of course, it sounds like he was being a dick. I’d much rather have my girl respect me enough that when I speak, “kneel” she falls to her knees over forcing her there with my hands. One is hard. It requires mutual respect and understanding. Forcing submission is a cop out. But you had every opportunity to say, “That is fine, please leave, I am not interested in this type of dynamic.” People only treat you how you allow them to.

You aren’t obligated to engage in a dynamic you didn’t sign up for. And at the end of the day, whether it is bedroom only or not, these are relationships. Just like a vanilla relationship, if your partner isn’t being respectful of your wishes, it’s time to end it. Period.

There are other (kinky) fish in the sea. Time to either put your foot down and demand the relationship you agreed to in the beginning, or cut bait and find somebody more compatible.

 

Good Luck.

Ryder

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Master Ryder is a Dominant and sadist who lives 24/7 TPE M/s with his wife and slave. Ryder is of the belief that being a Master is more about mastering your own self before you can go on and effectively lead others, and spends his time working to always improve his personal character. An active member of his local community, Ryder enjoys sharing with others about his experience living life as a Dominant. He is a practitioner of edgier play, including fire, knives, CNC, and breath play, but the main focus of his studies and practice is in Power Exchange. "It's about the dynamic, the energy shared when one person gives up all control and another person takes it."

7 responses to “Ask A Dominant – Expressing Different Dynamic Desires”

  1. Kean Woods

    I think it’s incredibly telling of what kind of person he is that you are only 3 months into this relationship. I could understand if someone started asking for renegotiation a bit further into the relationship when they realized their needs aren’t being fully met, but he is FORCING you into a position that you explicitly stated was inappropriate after just 3 months. Even if you can fix this one problem with him (and I seriously doubt it) this isn’t going to get better. He will become more controlling (without consent) and abusive as time goes on because that’s how abusers operate.
    It can only get worse. Get out now before something terrible happens.
    Best of luck, don’t hesitate to lean on friends and community.

  2. ReddWolff

    Although Ryder has nailed the issue fine, I would like to add some thoughts of my own. You write “I told him, *implicitly*, I don’t want the 24/7 Dom/sub Master/slave relationship”. This suggests to me that your boyfriend does have 24/7 ambitions and as is to be expected, these desires are not going away. They don’t. It’s not like flipping a switch. So apparently you two started a relationship with different desires. In the long run that is not going to work.
    As you wrote friction is already there and he is getting abusive by threatening to end the relationship if you don’t obey, I suggest to get out before the situation deteriorates.

    I have had some failed relations before I realized that desires don’t go away. Don’t waste time on relations that have no chance to succeed in the long run. You have both to be brutally honest to each other and to yourself from that start to have a chance. Luckily I have found a girl that does have matching desires and we are together for ten years now in a 24/7 M/s relation.

  3. Dragon

    Uh, I kind of agree with the first part of this response, but the second part is way too harsh. Seriously? You are saying that the writer is part of the problem because when presented with a surprising ultimatum which involved something new they went along with what their partner wanted? I’d say that’s a pretty standard thing to do in an established relationship – the letter writer didn’t do anything wrong here. In fact, they noticed that it made them feel bad and now they are looking for ways to deal with that in a constructive way.

    Dear letter writer, the best interpretation that I can think of for what your boyfriend was doing is that he was clumsily trying to initiate foreplay by sliding into that dynamic. The other interpretation is that he is one of the people who has a lot of difficulty with keeping different relationship dynamics neatly segregated (this is not as uncommon as some people seem to think).

    And I want to encourage you to hold that boundary – you are absolutely not obliged to engage in power dynamics where you don’t want to. I can think of a couple of things you might want to try as well.

    One option would be to scale back the power differential in the bedroom – that is, keep enjoying the activities and restraints, but move away from submission (focussing on the S&M as a rationale for what you are doing rather than d/s). That’s a pretty strng option though, and may well not work for you and what you like.

    Another choice is to have a physical marker for when the dynamic is in play versus when it isn’t. Apparently ‘just in the bedroom’ isn’t enough of a divide. I understand what you are saying about collars, but this is an area where play collars can be really useful. Another option is a particular set of cuffs – the important thing is that it is an obvious marker which you have control over and you ONLY have a kink dynamic when you are wearing them. That kind of thing can really help reinforce a divide between play space and normal space.

    Best of luck!

  4. MrJoker

    Dragon, I have to agree with Ryder here. She must take some responsibility. I live in a 24/7 d/s power exchange but still to this day if I push a limit to far my sub will stop the situation and we will discuss what has happened, wether I went to far or she just needs me to pet her head and tell her I love her. I’m not expected to read her mind she is expected to tell me how she’s feeling and I’m expected to handle those feeling properly.

  5. addi

    The OP said: *It made me feel like crap and i had to *ASK* him “can I please sit on the couch. Sir” *

    I think I’m the only woman responding here. I switch, so I hope I bring perspective from both sides. I want to speak directly to the OP. The first issue is: NO – you did not *have* to. Listen to Master Ryder when he tells you if you cannot say no, you should not be saying yes.

    It sounds to me like major failure to communicate and the most basic failure was you failing to dialogue with yourself. First, a sub has to make sure she has enough self-esteem to not get caught by the controlling asshole who wants to play at dominance. You have to be able to say, “Get your feet off my couch and go home and we’ll discuss this tomorrow.” And stick to it.

    If he leaves and doesn’t come back, that’s a good thing. If he leaves and does come back, that might also be a good thing. Maybe it was his way of trying to initiate and you went with it and he didn’t know you were seriously upset. Hard to tell unless you told him this:

    *…it didn’t make me feel loved or respected it just made me feel honestly really bad like I wanted to cry.*

    My personal experience is that happy female subs are strong women who give and expect respect. What you describe, unless you discover he is inexperienced and confused, wouldn’t be tolerated by most subs I know for a nanosecond.

    It’s okay to demand (yup) respect and care in your relationships. In fact, IMO, it’s necessary.

    Good luck. Please talk to yourself. And take care of yourself.

  6. Roxie

    *Love this commentary…. potential new sub looking for advice* thanks for sharing <3

  7. Kayla

    Reading all of this has opened my eyes more about bdsm. I’ve tried explaining to close minded people that eveeything has to be safe, sane, & consensual. Thank you for the info :)

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