J. Blank, aka The Dominant Gentleman, strongly believes that being Dominant doesn't preclude one from also behaving as a Gentleman (or Lady), and that respect is paramount in any relationship, especially D/s relationships. A "real world" relationship and life coach with a kink-friendly practice, J. spends his days helping people figure out what they really want, and take steps to achieve it. Which gives him some unique insights into the amazing world that is the human psyche. Because of this, J. believes Doms have a nigh-sacred responsibility to their subs, and can sometimes be found on Twitter (@Jason_Blank), loudly ranting about the difference between a Dom and, as he puts it, "a jackass with ego issues." He can be reached by email at DomJBlank (at) gmail (dot) com.

6 responses to “Ask Anything – I’m Not a Masochist, But a Sadist Likes Me.”

  1. Dan

    I’ve been in this situation. I’m a service sub, not a masochist. I think I’m attractive, intelligent, charming – and as a result, a number of sadists have “wanted” me. We TRIED to fit a square peg into a round hole, but it always ends in frustration.

  2. Rev

    You are attractive, intelligent and charming. :)

    And I agree- I mean, it’s actually been my experience that if someone is drawn to S/m but inexperienced and nervous, with care they can see that the experience isn’t always about “pain” per se. They can even learn to eroticize it and enjoy in the same way someone might enjoy an intense massage, for example, or a really hard workout. :) That could have something to do with the kind of sadist I am or it could just be that the chemistry was right and they just had the wrong idea about what it was in actuality.

    I do think if someone just isn’t into it at all, it’s not likely that this will change. Sometimes, I’ve had great success with someone service oriented who came to see submitting to a low degree of sadism as a loving service and could enjoy it from that angle, but only to a point.

    Personally, I’m more of an “edgist” than a “sadist”, though I’m certainly a sadist too. I love the edge, even if that’s in a relatively low intensity place for someone else, as compared to myself. It’s that place where we’re not quite sure what’s going to happen anymore, and in that sense it doesn’t matter to me so much the “what” we do or playing super hard and heavy (that can be fun too, but just not necessary). If any of that makes sense.

    Ultimately, there are so many ways to do this and it can be frustrated when we’re interested in someone but our interests just aren’t compatible. And that happens in the dating world all the time, kinky or nonkinky. It sucks! But it’s a fact of relationship. It sounds like you’ve pretty much accepted that it doesn’t work for you and that’s a good thing- to accept who we are and what we need.

    Thanks for chiming in Dan!

    Rev

  3. Disobedient/confused sub

    Hello, For months now I’ve been trying to build up the courage and write in here. I read many of your articles Rev. (I apologize if I’m addressing you incorrectly) this particular topic caught my attention because it’s how I feel sometimes, about my situation with my Dom. The thing is I know he’s a sadist and initially I never thought certain things would intrigue me but slowly they have. Only communication with my Dom is not only very difficult but in some areas non existent. I feel that as an under cover married vanilla female that’s new to the lifestyle, I’ve been introduced to a world I enjoy and makes me feel like home I would like to grow to love it but I can’t seem to get answers from him and a part of me feels that some things are just off but that’s another story. Idk I guess I just needed to vent or something but if anyone can shed some light and help me understand if this is normal for a Dom not to answer questions id appreciate it. Also I think all human beings are great and I admire your writing and advice
    Thank you

  4. Rev

    Hi Confused~

    I can understand why you’d be struggling with this. A D/s relationship is still a relationship. That means you get to have needs, communication is important and if either of you don’t feel okay about things that are happening, you need to be able to talk to each other and it’s healthy to expect a response.

    This is one of the reasons I think community is so important- they will tell you that your needs are okay, that if you feel bad about what’s happening and aren’t getting a decent response, then there’s a problem and you do not need to settle. One of the problems with being “under cover” (besides the dishonesty with your spouse of course) is that it makes it hard to get support. I’m glad you asked. I think cheating isn’t a great idea for so many reasons, but I understand that people have their reasons and I’m not in your shoes, so I’m not trying to judge you. You have to decide for yourself how it’s best for you to live of course. No matter what your situation though, it’s important to hold onto your values, your needs and your self respect. Don’t ever let anyone treat you in ways that feel bad to you (playing with things that feel bad in the moment, like humiliation play that’s been negotiated, is different than behavior that feels painful to you as a person), no matter who they are or what the context of your relationship is. Relationships in the BDSM world are no different. People will tell you that if you’re a “good submissive” or “slave” or whatever, there’s a way you “ought” to behave, things you “have to” put up with and it just isn’t so.

    If your Dom won’t answer you, then that’s a problem. The other hard thing about being “under cover” is that it makes it more challenging to find partners, but there are people who will treat you with respect and value you and your needs. If that’s what you want, you have a right to ask for it and get it, or decide whether you can live with it or if it’s just time to move on.

    Best wishes. Feel free to drop me a line privately if you want also.

    Rev

  5. Disobedient/confused sub

    I thank you greatly for your time and guidance. It’s greatly appreciated. It makes me feel relieved that I am able to speak of my concerns, curiosities and doubts without feeling like I’ll be punished or ignored. I’m left with having to think things through and figuring out some things. I bow to you with gratitude Rev thank you

  6. Rev

    I’m glad it helped. I hope you’ll check out http://www.submissiveguide.com and talk to some other submissives who’ve been where you are and can help you sort it out. You are not alone. :)

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