When I connected with the BDSM community in 2008, I found so much more than a way to engage my kinks: a place to explore BDSM as well as my deepest human nature. For me, kink is not only sexual, but spiritual, emotional, and psychological, as well as a profound path for self- and other-exploration; in other words: intimacy, which may be my biggest kink. With years of mentoring, ministering, coaching, and teaching under my belt, I'm excited to share my ever expanding knowledge and experience with Dominant Guide readers, in a mutual learning process with you and the whole kink community. Rev was the lead author for Dominant Guide from 2012 to 2015

8 responses to “This Consent Crap is Wrecking My Game!”

  1. ChrisRevocateur

    The way I try to deal with consent while keeping the “forcefulness” of being a dom is before starting to play with them, I ask them what their limits are with me, or at least where they think their limits lie. Then I make SURE that a safeword is understood between both parties, and that there will be absolutely no recourse or punishment for the use of a safeword. This way, verbal consent is taken care of before play even begins, and I don’t have to keep checking for consent as we’re playing. If we both seem to REALLY be feeling our play, I may slowly push the boundaries that they set before, but I make sure they know what I’m doing before I actually do it, either by saying it, or, if I am in their line of sight, by slowly moving to do said thing. When I’m pushing in this manner though, no means no, and safeword means “HECK NO!!!”

  2. TGHOW

    I have a lot of problem with this. I think the whole story of consent is (sorry) completely full of shit. This is simply not how human beings work. With this I am not saying that you should do things the other person does not want. But that consent is for the most part non verbal. And it is the responsibility of the person who has a problem with something to say something and stop something. And as adult you learn to interpret signals so that you never even reach the verbal “no”. You know before that something would not fly, and you do something else, or do someone else. This is especially true among people that know each other. And you move slowly through the stages so that the other person has the time to say no in case. But can also just enjoy the progress. This in a romantic situation. This is how the situation really is. How our parents did it. And their parents. And their parents.

    I also add that the analysis that lead to this request of verbal consent (the claim that we live in a rape culture and so on), is completely factually incorrect, and generally it does not stand on good statistical data.

    In a BDSM situation the consent issue is even more important. My sub gets a kick out of the fact that she does not know what will happen. If I were to ask her to agree on each action, she would revolt immediately. And she would be right. So I get her to tell me her limits beforehand. We also agree nothing that can make lasting damage, And have a safe word. But apart that I consider she consent to the rest.

    Something more. I was speaking about this topic with a friend of mine. A woman who practice meditation from a couple of decades and now is also studying neurophysiology. And she explained me how we handle experiences differently when we verbalise them and when we do not verbalise them. She added that verbally asking for consent to everything forces the other person to never enjoy the pleasure of experiencing those events in a non-verbal way. Which apparently is very important.

    So I disagree with this procedure, ethically, socially and pragmatically.

  3. Max

    I think the BDSM community has it all wrong with this. As a man (even more so as a Dom), you should NEVER EVER ask a girl if it’s OK to kiss her. You do it. She will let you know if she’s into it. It’s a very UNATTRACTIVE trait to display as a man to ask first. It shows no confidence and no leadership – which is the 2 most important qualities to attract women (and subs). It’s the same as being in bed with a girl and the whole time, you’re asking her “is it ok for me to touch you here? is it ok for me to touch you there?” The girl will be so annoyed with you, you will never see her again.

    Being a Dom is not about wearing black boots or holding a riding crop . Everybody can do that. Being a Dom is about being respected by your subs. Being a man is about being respected by women. Either way, you will get no respect when acting like that. This is key: If you ask first, it means YOU are not sure if it’s ok. Guess what? if YOU are not sure…. that makes you insecure about what you are about to do.. and insecurity is the ultimate sign of lack of confidence in yourself. Now ask a woman what is the number 1 quality they want to see in a man?

  4. Max

    I would also like to add that there is a big difference between what a person says (verbalized) and what a person responds to (act upon). When you VERBALIZE, you are acting LOGICALLY. When you ACT UPON, you are acting emotionally. Here’s an example:

    You want to buy a car. You VERBALIZED about all things you are looking for (good gas mileage, reliability etc) but you end buying (ACTING UPON) something else – that is not that (good looking car, masculine etc…)

    Another example: A girl VERBALIZES: “I just want a nice guy” but ACT UPON going with a jerk (because he offers a more diverse range of emotions to her. The nice guy give only one type of emotion (positive) and the jerk gives her many (negative and positive) – and because women are EMOTIONAL creatures, they crave the wider range of emotions.

    What is my point?
    If you ask first, it doesn’t mean that’s what she craves inside. She may crave (and fantasize) about being Dommed (and fucked) by 4 Doms at once, but if you ask her, she may say no because she doesn’t want to be logically perceived as a slut. But if you do it without asking, she will thank you after for doing it.

    Good talk.

  5. Bethany

    Max, I would like to say that as a woman, having a man ask before initiating a first kiss is sweet and attractive to me. The number one quality I look for in a man is respect. Respect for himself and respect for his partners. If you do something without any form of consent, that has a high risk of violating your partner, and shows a lack of respect for them. Confidence is not infallibility. You can ask for consent and be confident about it.

  6. Bethany

    You’re also making a lot of worrying assumptions about people, especially women. “If I do this thing she wants without her consent she will thank me.” No. Most women will not. That’s how you end up sexually assaulting someone. Consent is respect, not weakness. It needs to be given in some degree. It’s also respecting what you’ve identified as meaning no (whether no or a safeword). I will also mention your repeated assertions “women are” and “women like” is far too broad. Women are people. People are complex.

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