When I connected with the BDSM community in 2008, I found so much more than a way to engage my kinks: a place to explore BDSM as well as my deepest human nature. For me, kink is not only sexual, but spiritual, emotional, and psychological, as well as a profound path for self- and other-exploration; in other words: intimacy, which may be my biggest kink. With years of mentoring, ministering, coaching, and teaching under my belt, I'm excited to share my ever expanding knowledge and experience with Dominant Guide readers, in a mutual learning process with you and the whole kink community. Rev was the lead author for Dominant Guide from 2012 to 2015

2 responses to “Ask Anything: A Simple Scene to Get us Started”

  1. The Dominant Gentleman

    Interesting first Scene, Rev.

    I know, you were accounting for a LOT of variables here, and you did a good job. Very thorough.

    At risk of being a little too simplistic, I might suggest the following:

    Right now, the Reader says he and his wife are “interested” in taking on the roles of Dom and sub. So, for me, that says they need to “try them out” first. For that, I wouldn’t do a “full Scene,” at first. I’d try one (or more) of a few simple exercises, first. And don’t worry that they’re “exercises.” be silly, make them fun, do them in your sexiest undies, whatever it takes to enjoy.

    One that I like is one that I’ve suggested in an article or two here on Domguide. Specifically, the blindfolded rope test. Basically, it goes like this: one partner binds the wrists of the other (use a scarf or a soft rope at first – this is about trust, not rope or sensation play) in front of them. Then blindfold the bound partner. The sighted partner then leads the blindfolded and bound partner around the room, with the blindfolded partner completely dependent on the guide. No tip-toeing, no careful half-strides – walk. Trust. Then, change roles – yes, even if you think one of you is “the Dom” – by letting the sub tie, blindfold, and lead, the Dom learns a bit about what level of trust they’re demanding of their sub, and what the effects are, as well as the sub learning about the feeling of responsibility the Dom is accepting for the sub’s safety, and the very beginnings of the importance of communication. When that’s done, discuss! How did each of you feel in each role? What went right? What went wrong? What could there be more of? Did communication style work, or does it need to change?

    If everyone’s happy, there’s nothing preventing you from putting the blindfold back on and playing some more… ;-)

    Another exercise is to go shopping together. Go to an “Adult store,” and wander around the place. Look at and discuss the toys, what ideas do you get? What seems *really* interesting? Hopefully, there’s a bondage and/or kink/leather/”adventurous” section. Go check that out. If it’s allowed, pick up the hardware. Some places will let you try on a cuff or a collar, or take an experimental (fully clothed) swing with a flogger. If you can, do.

    Then run home (or even just out to the car), and compare notes! Talk about what turned each of you on. Find a toy or tool that you both found interesting. Talk about how you’d like to use it – what you’d do with it – what *else* you could do with it… build that fantasy! Then, either go back inside and buy it, or just go straight home and make believe. (Sometimes, you’ll realize that you have something at home that can serve as a nice fill-in for the actual thing you saw in the store, and you can “try before you buy” with a little improvisation.

    When you’re new, I’m a big believer in going slow, starting with single concepts (a paddle, or tied wrists, or dirty talk, or even just a quick spanking), and adding as you go along. If you like what you’re doing, add more! If you find a comfort zone, and don’t want to go any further, stay there!

    Experiment, have fun, communicate, and don’t take yourselves too seriously. A “Scene” is what you make it, and it can be as complex or as simple as you like. You can always ramp up the intensity as you go along, and push the edges (remember Safewords!). The key is to have fun, be safe, and do it together.

    Then again, some folks like to dive in head-first. YMMV. :-)

  2. spiritchild

    My personal favorite starting scene for newbies is simply…

    Have her stand at the edge of the bed in front of you where you sit, smile at her, tell her you love her, that you crave her, that you long to own her, even if it’s just for tonight. Then, tell her you are going to remove her clothing. Then doing so quietly, intently, explore every inch of her nakedness as you sensually remove her clothing. She is to be inspected, this is the first night you own her. You may have seen every thing before, but this is the first time you see every thing as an owner. When you are done, quietly nod, smile in appreciation, take her hand, guide her to the middle of the bed, lay her down, pose her how you want her, then….
    lay strands of thread across her wrists, issuing the simple command, “you are not to move” Finally, tease her, tickle her softly, not enough to break, be realistic, Go down on her, use toys on her, simply touch her, but above all, make clear you enjoy her.

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