When I connected with the BDSM community in 2008, I found so much more than a way to engage my kinks: a place to explore BDSM as well as my deepest human nature. For me, kink is not only sexual, but spiritual, emotional, and psychological, as well as a profound path for self- and other-exploration; in other words: intimacy, which may be my biggest kink. With years of mentoring, ministering, coaching, and teaching under my belt, I'm excited to share my ever expanding knowledge and experience with Dominant Guide readers, in a mutual learning process with you and the whole kink community. Rev was the lead author for Dominant Guide from 2012 to 2015

10 responses to “That Dominant Confidence Thing”

  1. Richard James

    Great article. Very helpful and insightful….

    Thank you.

  2. The Dominant Gentleman

    The first time I had a face-to-face conversation with another Dominant, over drinks, dressed in streetclothes, I felt like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I practically floated out of the pub, with that feeling of “Yes! There are other people – REAL PEOPLE – like me! ”

    To know that someone else thought the way I thought, liked the things I liked, could openly converse with me about them… Yeah. It was like the whole world had opened up for me.

    Cut to a month later. Having had a few more conversations with the lady in question, and she escorted me to my first play party.

    I never touched a toy or a person. Just watched others at work.

    I left there that night, thinking “is this *REALLY* what I thought I was into?”

    It took almost a month before I could go back. My confidence was completely rattled by what I witnessed (and I didn’t really witness anything all that “out there”). But a big part of it was me being unsure if I could do these things to another person – if I should.

    It’s different seeing it in person.

    When I finally went back, and some folks were nice enough to be “practice bottoms” for me, my confidence came back pretty quickly. I wasn’t an expert, and they weren’t expecting me to be. But we all still had fun.

    And then I wound up with some newer subbies, who I was just far enough “ahead of” to learn and grow together with. And once I realized that I knew the mental aspects, and wasn’t afraid to ask for help in the areas I wasn’t 100% sure of, everything else was just fun and games!

    But if I’d encountered one of those who immediately laughs off new folks as “wannabes…” Well, I like to think I’d have found my way eventually, but it probably would have taken far longer.

    That said, there ARE “wannabe” Doms who are worthy of scorn. But not because they’re new. No. Because they think “being bossy,” or not giving a rip about the person they’re “using as a toy” is what being Dominant is. They think acting like a jackass (read also: a-hole) is what makes one a Dominant.

    And you know what? Even some of them can be salvaged with a little education. :-)

  3. Lisa B

    Thank you for writing this.
    It has really helped me feel better about not being a super dom like I have seen around. I know I will get there but at my own pace.
    Thank you again.

  4. Maia

    Hello, I am a submissive and am enjoying your posts very much. Very informative.

    I have been accused of not being submissive enough, instead of just new and untrained, which is what I am. It is devastating and I vowed that no matter what happened I would never respond in kind. I am not surprised to hear that Dominants are just as sensitive to that. My opinion is that it should be off the table in this lifestyle. Completely.

    I am in a new relationship and have many times wished he would be rougher, hit harder, longer, push my limits more. I am very nervous about topping, naturally, and as a result of previous relationships as many subs are and have difficulty asking for anything. He makes it easy to communicate, not overly sensitive to topping from the bottom like so many Doms are. At his encouragement, we have been sending each other erotica, videos and talking about likes and dislikes. Of course, He takes the lead on these conversations. When I find an article or video I always talk to Him about it first and ask if I may send it even though He would not mind. It helps me, so I do it.

    Things are getting better, glad I didn’t give up on Him. If He hadn’t made it easy for me to tell him about my needs and wants, I would have. Part of the learning curve for both Doms and subs is to find a way to communicate while staying within our roles.

    In previous relationships I left it all up to my Dominant. I did not want him to cater to me, I wanted to experience what he liked, and hoped that it met my needs.

  5. Cepheus

    Very helpful post, thank you, Rev.

    I just started dating a girl who’s been in BDSM for some years, as a sub. She was interested in me from the start, when I didn’t know squat about BDSM, not even that maybe I’d be into this sort of stuff. It’s still very early in our relationship, but she tells me from the first time she saw me, she felt something of a Dom in me, and she keeps pointing out things that I do that she likes, that she associates with Dom behaviour.

    She was the first person I admitted many fantasies to, some about which I felt bad, some which I even feared. She answered by stamping a name on it and pointing out that many people are into that stuff. We’ve been discussing this stuff since then and we’ve yet to even try anything, but the time is close.

    Confidence is, of course, a large issue on my part. I know I have it me – as I’ve told her, I’ve felt “gear locking into place” inside my head in the past few weeks and it feels great – but I have yet to “lay hands” on her, so it’s sort of like a soldier’s “would I be able to kill a man” sort of dilemma, can’t know for sure until you’re there, doing the deed. I am moving toward a new understanding of many things I took for granted – hurting others being the most pro-eminent of these. A friend pointed out the all-important *consentment* as a way to break the old reflexes and allow myself to take my pleasure from the violent/degrading/etc sort of acts I’ll be submitting her to. Also, her own satisfaction will be validation and encouragement aplenty.

    I am constantly reading up on the subject, varying my sources as widely as I can, attending workshops, thinking about this aspect and that aspect, etc. It’s feels like a very important turning point in my life and I am really looking ahead to what’s to come. I’m lucky to have found such a patient and communicative woman to lead me into this new world.

    Thx again for writing this article, very illuminating to me.

    Cepheus

  6. Sweetness

    I’ve been with my boyfriend now for 4 years & 4 months.. I hated sex before we got together.. Now, after 4 years, our sex life is 100% better then it has been our whole relationship!!!!! It seems to feel better every time. I have to have sex no less then 3 times a day every day… I’m addicted and completely in love with this man.. I want to spice things up but I’m not sure what to do or how.. I’ve always been very disgusted with my body and face.. It makes things even harder to do. I’m constantly worrying about how bad my body looks while having sex.. Starting to get a little better slowly. But I want to have better self esteem, confidence, be aggressive in bed and just take control of him and make him feel better then he’s ever felt.. How do I do this and where do I start?? Please help and share your knowledge with me so I can be the best I can be also..

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