When I connected with the BDSM community in 2008, I found so much more than a way to engage my kinks: a place to explore BDSM as well as my deepest human nature. For me, kink is not only sexual, but spiritual, emotional, and psychological, as well as a profound path for self- and other-exploration; in other words: intimacy, which may be my biggest kink. With years of mentoring, ministering, coaching, and teaching under my belt, I'm excited to share my ever expanding knowledge and experience with Dominant Guide readers, in a mutual learning process with you and the whole kink community. Rev was the lead author for Dominant Guide from 2012 to 2015

3 responses to “Ask Anything: Giving Unaskedfor Advice to Another Dominant”

  1. The Dominant Gentleman

    As a Dominant who is asked for advice (and who occasionally writes for a Dominant advice/education website), I have found myself in this position on more than one occasion.

    I’ve learned (the hard way) that unsolicited advice is quite often unwelcome advice – especially in the culture of “Dominants.” (This is also true in the business world, where “Alpha syndrome” is prevalent.)

    First, Morgan is absolutely right (and I’m paraphrasing here). If that relationship is going to survive, it needs to have open, honest communication between the participants. She needs to be able to communicate with her Dom, and he needs to be able to listen to her. BDSM 101. Hell, that’s “Relationship 101.” Sadly, it doesn’t always happen – for a variety of reasons.

    One other tip for your friend is to research training/education events in the local area, designed for partners, and ask her Dom to take her – “so she can learn.” Usually there will be other partnerships there, and so it’s socially OK as a Dom to be learning – other Doms are doing it, so it’s Domly enough that it won’t hurt his ego or ruin his rep (and actually will help said rep, as he’ll get to be known as a Dom that cares enough to hone his craft…). These kinds of events can become addicting, as does learning together.

    That said, I’ve found two ways to give advice to others (Doms or otherwise) that do work (sometimes), without insulting or annoying (usually) the person you’re trying to advise.

    The best way, by far, is this: “Hey there, Bob! Wow! That’s a really great flogger you have there! It’s nice to see your enthusiasm when you use it! Would you be interested in learning a technique I’ve gotten great results with? Once I learned it, I found that I get more of those great little squeals and bounces from my subby, without as much risk to her kidneys – and the best part is…”

    The challenge with this one is that you really can only address things that are visible and demonstrable. It doesn’t work for “behind the scenes” issues. (It CAN lead to a whole lotta fun though, if you have your subby on a post next to theirs, and you take turns – you demonstrating on yours, him practising on his…).

    A variation on this one, that doesn’t necessarily require seeing a series of bad throws, or questionable ties, or any number of other visible “opportunities to improve,” is to simply approach Bob at a party or other appropriate space, and make a similar offer. “Hey Bob! I’ve been studying an interesting new knot placement technique, and I’m about to practice it on my subby! Would you like to learn it with me?…” This variation only really works if you have something of a relationship with Bob, however…

    A third option is to have a discussion with other, like-minded Doms, where Bob can hear you, invite him into the conversation, and ask for his opinion. This is the only way I’ve found to be able to address things that are going on “behind the scenes,” that isn’t “sticking your nose in” to someone’s private business.

    You, Jeff, and Adriana (all Dom-types), begin a discussion about 24/7 relationships and trust, for example. Perhaps Jeff mentions that he’s wondering how and when to take a play-only relationship to a 24/7 level. Or that he has a friend struggling with the concept, wondering what “boxes need to be checked,” at a minimum, to “earn enough trust” to make that shift. You, or even Adriana, see Bob, and say “Hey, Bob! We’re tossing around some ideas here about a topic that doesn’t really have a specific ‘right answer.’ What are your thoughts?”

    This can also be done with a bit less theater, if Bob and/or anyone else is a smoker. Invite him outside for a drag, and conversation tends to ensue. With a group of you, everyone can kick in their opinions, and it doesn’t seem like advice being forced on someone.

    Lastly (quite possibly the best option), you can plan your own seminar/teaching event on the subject you think needs addressing, and invite Bob. Give him an important role, if needed (though probably not a presenting role), and make sure he has the opportunity to see and hear other Doms learning, asking questions, getting answers, and being part of the community. And hearing everyone’s input. Even if the group’s thoughts run counter to his own, as long as those thoughts aren’t directed AT him, he probably won’t feel ganged up on, or threatened, and might be willing to consider changing his position.

    As a bonus, you might just be teaching other Bobs that you’re not aware of, and building and strengthening a community.

    Oh, and you may even learn something yourself. :-)

  2. Spiro_Spero

    I absolutely agree with the above, and I’d like to add that if the sub is your friend, then you may want to foster an actual friendship of some sort with her Dom. The lone wolf stereotype persists, but having a circle of like-minded colleagues has so many benefits, both in-scene and out. I would suggest finding some common ground and subtly leading by example. Share your knowledge, and gain some insight into his views on the touchy subject. It may well be that he would respect your advance at friendship if he’s aware of your relationship with his sub. It seems the proper course. Good luck!

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